The A-Z of eating out
APERITIF
Famously, Kingsley Amis cited the most depressing question in the English language as being, ‘Shall we go straight in?’ Because a stiffener was always the thing used to hone the appetite. Be warned: a gin-and-tonic will not do this. Nor will whisky. They both dull the palate; and if you have a couple, then gradually, and very soon rapidly, the spirit begins to supplant altogether the desire for food. An alternative is the classic dry martini, or champagne.
BARGAIN LUNCH
There may be no such thing as a free lunch but bargain lunches abound. What you have to do, though, is ferret out the best places serving the best food. It pays to be discerning. And that usually means a restaurant with a Michelin star – the drawback being that while a three-course meal can cost £30, the wine mark-ups are usually dizzy. But they’ve got to make up the margins somehow, haven’t they?
CHIPS
Chips in restaurants may be broadly divided into fat and thin. The fat will generally be described as ‘hand-cut’ and very likely ‘triple cooked’, a worthwhile if time-consuming process that involves the constant ridding of excess fat and starch between each operation. Then there is the thin: frites, or French fries. More often than not, these are bought in vast frozen sackfuls; they can be all right, but generally are accid, way over-salted and rather pointless. Beware the companion who never orders chips because of the calories, but will ‘just have one of yours…’
DESIGNATED DRIVER
What a uniformly miserable thing to be. It’s not the actual driving nor even the non-drinking that is the hardship, but the fact that you are forced to observe at too close quarters just how unbelievably boring, rude, witless, loud, unfunny and frankly dipsomaniacal these peoplecan be and among whose jolly company… is usually yourself. Sobering.
‘EXCUSE FINGERS’
The purpose of this ghastly phrase is to request the pardon of the company for having picked up something edible and plonked it down in front of someone else. But no such pardon should be granted, because this is never acceptable unless you are dealing with four year olds. Lovers will delight in feeding each other with their fi ngers: it is not just polite but less nauseating to avert one’s eyes.
FOOD POISONING
A complaint must be made, and although it remains up to the restaurant how to proceed, you should – as with all complaints – make clear what you want them to do. If the entire restaurant has been affected, the place will be closed down until the source is eliminated. But some people will, the morning following, blame their malaise on ‘something dodgy they ate’, while the truth lies rather more in the direction of something they drank.
GOING DUTCH
In the old days, it was so simple: the man paid. If there were two men, then the senior or host would pay… with a tacit understanding that upon the next occasion, he would be the guest. Splitting the bill – or ‘going Dutch’ – was generally con ned to students and workmates, and that convention persists. If you lunch or dine regularly with a certain person or group, it is rather more civilised (and quicker) to take turns, no questions. Should you be dining with one of your employees, children, someone visibly desperate for a meal or else a person you are madly desperate to seduce… then it is your treat. Obviously.
HOST
At its most basic, being the ‘host’ simply means that you have instigated the meal. Be generous: in no way inhibit your guests’ inclinations by saying such things as, ‘I’m having the set lunch – it’s always reliable’. It doesn’t mean, though, that you are there as a backup maître d’: it is most important that you have a jolly time as well, and are seen to… but your guests come first. C’est tout.
INEDIBLE
This does not mean things you encounter on a menu that are not to your taste; rather, it means being confronted with anything that is entirely impossible or disagreeable to eat. There is absolutely no excuse for this: the head waiter or proprietor should be summoned immediately. If your meat is just so tough that no knife can cope, the chips so oily… this constitutes inedibilia – and certainly you must not be expected to pay for it.
JACKET REQUIRED
Or: dress code. It seems a terribly quaint, dated phrase, but it exists still. It all comes down to manners: dressing in a way that makes everyone else feel comfortable, without going against your natural inclinations. The cardinal rule is that you should keep yourself covered. No bare arms, or legs, unless you are at the beach; shorts and sandals are out. As is headgear of any description.
KITCHEN TABLE
The kitchen in a restaurant used to be something you took for granted – you simply hoped to goodness that it was cleanly scrubbed. But a table in the kitchen has become the place to be: dinner and theatre, all in one go! The most highly sought-after opportunity to see, smell and hear our genius chefs up close. I prefer a comfortable table in the quiet embrace of the restaurant proper, while the cooks remain at their stations… everything in its place.
LOOS
By law, a restaurant must have them and management and Health and Safety inspectors should ensure their cleanliness and functionality. But my, how they vary. And am I alone in loathing ‘jokey’ names on the doors? The words Ladies and Gentlemen are becoming a rarity. But we can surely do without Guys and Gals, Bulls and Cows – can’t we?
MENUS
The type of menu that has fallen out of favour is that which resembles a padded-leather wedding photograph album. Rather more welcome these days is a simple printed card bearing that day’s date: this indicates an ever-changing daily menu. And then there is the blackboard – which is fine if you can read it from afar. But menus of any description are always a bit worrying if they are utterly massive: so many varieties of food means it just cannot be fresh. And then there is the tasting menu. You are not at a tasting, are you? You are meant to be having dinner. So ask yourself: three courses of your choice? Or between 12 and 30 little soupçons devised by a self-styled genius?
NAMES OF RESTAURANTS
Recently, we have a fashion for single, rather meaningless words: Cut, Apostrophe, Ark, this sort of thing. And most maddening of all: numbers. Woe betide you if you simply cannot remember whether you are due to meet people at 34… or 85…
OPENING HOURS
Although a restaurant’s opening hours are generally plainly stated, it doesn’t always follow that they will be pleased to serve you at any time between them. The key thing to know in the evening is the time for last orders: a restaurant that advertises its closure at 11.30pm might refuse to take an order much after 10pm – you’re going to go hungry, chum.
PLAT DU JOUR
A proper plat du jour can be a lovesome thing – the chief ingredient dictated by the season and availability – and probably a bargain. The thing you have to guard against is its being a plat du hier: the stu that’s been hanging around for ages and the restaurant wants shot of. If in doubt, ask: you’ll probably receive a truthful answer.
QUEUING
Really? But what on earth are you queuing for? Instead, amble into a restaurant where you will be ushered in with a smile and straight away to a comfortable table.
RESTAURANT GUIDES
The most talked about remains Michelin, though of course, we mustn’t follow it too slavishly, nor ever assume that an establishment excluded from its attention is beneath our consideration.
SERVICE
It shouldn’t be chummy. Friendly, yes, but not jokey, not larky, not pushy, not rib-nudging, and de nitely not backslapping. Another thing a waiter mustn’t ever do is interrupt the conversation with: ‘Is everything all right?’
TIPPING
‘A discretionary service charge of 12½% will be added to your bill’. So ubiquitous this phrase has become as to be hardly even worthy of attention. If the service you received was disgraceful, strike o the charge. But never remove it if service was adequate – it’s simply rather mean.
UNUSUAL
Should you be confronted with a restaurant that has gone out of its way to be ‘unusual’, with its stoat and parsnip specials, for example, you really must ask yourself: why? And – more to the point – whether actually you want to be there.
VEGETABLES
Yes we like our meat – but please let us never forget the two veg. Three sides could easily cost as much as, if not more than, the main meal on your plate, while ve a day could wipe you out. Fortunately, all restaurants seem nally to have embraced the principle of al dente: the days of pulverised, wet and reeking greens seem to be behind us.
WATER
As ever, order what you actually like to drink. Don’t feel obliged to order ‘tap’ because to do anything else might appear a bit flash. But if it is to be ‘tap’, why are so many restaurants so stubbornly reluctant to leave a jug on the table?
X-FACTOR
This will vary between each one of us – but you know it when you see it.
YOUNG PLACES
Food that’s easy to eat. Food that’s cool. In a happening place. But more important than happening – it has to be exclusive, but rather more subtly than actually saying so: simply deliberately disagreeable to anyone who isn’t just like themselves. Lately, even four walls and a roof are seen to be far too stuffy. Hanging. Chilling. Getting down. Eating. Laughing. Texting. Tweeting. Freezing. If you yourself are not a young person, you simply won’t understand – and you’re really not meant to.
ZIG-A-ZAG
I justify this little gobbet of lyric from Wannabe, the debut single from the deathless Spice Girls, thus: after all the cut and thrust of a restaurant meal (the zig-a-zig), there should steal over you that very rewarding afterglow of repletion (… ah!). Like a Bisto Kid.
Extracted from The A-Z of Eating Out by Joseph Connolly, published by Thames & Hudson on 10 February, priced £16.95.
Famously, Kingsley Amis cited the most depressing question in the English language as being, ‘Shall we go straight in?’ Because a stiffener was always the thing used to hone the appetite. Be warned: a gin-and-tonic will not do this. Nor will whisky. They both dull the palate; and if you have a couple, then gradually, and very soon rapidly, the spirit begins to supplant altogether the desire for food. An alternative is the classic dry martini, or champagne.
BARGAIN LUNCH
There may be no such thing as a free lunch but bargain lunches abound. What you have to do, though, is ferret out the best places serving the best food. It pays to be discerning. And that usually means a restaurant with a Michelin star – the drawback being that while a three-course meal can cost £30, the wine mark-ups are usually dizzy. But they’ve got to make up the margins somehow, haven’t they?
CHIPS
Chips in restaurants may be broadly divided into fat and thin. The fat will generally be described as ‘hand-cut’ and very likely ‘triple cooked’, a worthwhile if time-consuming process that involves the constant ridding of excess fat and starch between each operation. Then there is the thin: frites, or French fries. More often than not, these are bought in vast frozen sackfuls; they can be all right, but generally are accid, way over-salted and rather pointless. Beware the companion who never orders chips because of the calories, but will ‘just have one of yours…’
DESIGNATED DRIVER
What a uniformly miserable thing to be. It’s not the actual driving nor even the non-drinking that is the hardship, but the fact that you are forced to observe at too close quarters just how unbelievably boring, rude, witless, loud, unfunny and frankly dipsomaniacal these peoplecan be and among whose jolly company… is usually yourself. Sobering.
‘EXCUSE FINGERS’
The purpose of this ghastly phrase is to request the pardon of the company for having picked up something edible and plonked it down in front of someone else. But no such pardon should be granted, because this is never acceptable unless you are dealing with four year olds. Lovers will delight in feeding each other with their fi ngers: it is not just polite but less nauseating to avert one’s eyes.
FOOD POISONING
A complaint must be made, and although it remains up to the restaurant how to proceed, you should – as with all complaints – make clear what you want them to do. If the entire restaurant has been affected, the place will be closed down until the source is eliminated. But some people will, the morning following, blame their malaise on ‘something dodgy they ate’, while the truth lies rather more in the direction of something they drank.
GOING DUTCH
In the old days, it was so simple: the man paid. If there were two men, then the senior or host would pay… with a tacit understanding that upon the next occasion, he would be the guest. Splitting the bill – or ‘going Dutch’ – was generally con ned to students and workmates, and that convention persists. If you lunch or dine regularly with a certain person or group, it is rather more civilised (and quicker) to take turns, no questions. Should you be dining with one of your employees, children, someone visibly desperate for a meal or else a person you are madly desperate to seduce… then it is your treat. Obviously.
HOST
At its most basic, being the ‘host’ simply means that you have instigated the meal. Be generous: in no way inhibit your guests’ inclinations by saying such things as, ‘I’m having the set lunch – it’s always reliable’. It doesn’t mean, though, that you are there as a backup maître d’: it is most important that you have a jolly time as well, and are seen to… but your guests come first. C’est tout.
INEDIBLE
This does not mean things you encounter on a menu that are not to your taste; rather, it means being confronted with anything that is entirely impossible or disagreeable to eat. There is absolutely no excuse for this: the head waiter or proprietor should be summoned immediately. If your meat is just so tough that no knife can cope, the chips so oily… this constitutes inedibilia – and certainly you must not be expected to pay for it.
JACKET REQUIRED
Or: dress code. It seems a terribly quaint, dated phrase, but it exists still. It all comes down to manners: dressing in a way that makes everyone else feel comfortable, without going against your natural inclinations. The cardinal rule is that you should keep yourself covered. No bare arms, or legs, unless you are at the beach; shorts and sandals are out. As is headgear of any description.
KITCHEN TABLE
The kitchen in a restaurant used to be something you took for granted – you simply hoped to goodness that it was cleanly scrubbed. But a table in the kitchen has become the place to be: dinner and theatre, all in one go! The most highly sought-after opportunity to see, smell and hear our genius chefs up close. I prefer a comfortable table in the quiet embrace of the restaurant proper, while the cooks remain at their stations… everything in its place.
LOOS
By law, a restaurant must have them and management and Health and Safety inspectors should ensure their cleanliness and functionality. But my, how they vary. And am I alone in loathing ‘jokey’ names on the doors? The words Ladies and Gentlemen are becoming a rarity. But we can surely do without Guys and Gals, Bulls and Cows – can’t we?
MENUS
The type of menu that has fallen out of favour is that which resembles a padded-leather wedding photograph album. Rather more welcome these days is a simple printed card bearing that day’s date: this indicates an ever-changing daily menu. And then there is the blackboard – which is fine if you can read it from afar. But menus of any description are always a bit worrying if they are utterly massive: so many varieties of food means it just cannot be fresh. And then there is the tasting menu. You are not at a tasting, are you? You are meant to be having dinner. So ask yourself: three courses of your choice? Or between 12 and 30 little soupçons devised by a self-styled genius?
NAMES OF RESTAURANTS
Recently, we have a fashion for single, rather meaningless words: Cut, Apostrophe, Ark, this sort of thing. And most maddening of all: numbers. Woe betide you if you simply cannot remember whether you are due to meet people at 34… or 85…
OPENING HOURS
Although a restaurant’s opening hours are generally plainly stated, it doesn’t always follow that they will be pleased to serve you at any time between them. The key thing to know in the evening is the time for last orders: a restaurant that advertises its closure at 11.30pm might refuse to take an order much after 10pm – you’re going to go hungry, chum.
PLAT DU JOUR
A proper plat du jour can be a lovesome thing – the chief ingredient dictated by the season and availability – and probably a bargain. The thing you have to guard against is its being a plat du hier: the stu that’s been hanging around for ages and the restaurant wants shot of. If in doubt, ask: you’ll probably receive a truthful answer.
QUEUING
Really? But what on earth are you queuing for? Instead, amble into a restaurant where you will be ushered in with a smile and straight away to a comfortable table.
RESTAURANT GUIDES
The most talked about remains Michelin, though of course, we mustn’t follow it too slavishly, nor ever assume that an establishment excluded from its attention is beneath our consideration.
SERVICE
It shouldn’t be chummy. Friendly, yes, but not jokey, not larky, not pushy, not rib-nudging, and de nitely not backslapping. Another thing a waiter mustn’t ever do is interrupt the conversation with: ‘Is everything all right?’
TIPPING
‘A discretionary service charge of 12½% will be added to your bill’. So ubiquitous this phrase has become as to be hardly even worthy of attention. If the service you received was disgraceful, strike o the charge. But never remove it if service was adequate – it’s simply rather mean.
UNUSUAL
Should you be confronted with a restaurant that has gone out of its way to be ‘unusual’, with its stoat and parsnip specials, for example, you really must ask yourself: why? And – more to the point – whether actually you want to be there.
VEGETABLES
Yes we like our meat – but please let us never forget the two veg. Three sides could easily cost as much as, if not more than, the main meal on your plate, while ve a day could wipe you out. Fortunately, all restaurants seem nally to have embraced the principle of al dente: the days of pulverised, wet and reeking greens seem to be behind us.
WATER
As ever, order what you actually like to drink. Don’t feel obliged to order ‘tap’ because to do anything else might appear a bit flash. But if it is to be ‘tap’, why are so many restaurants so stubbornly reluctant to leave a jug on the table?
X-FACTOR
This will vary between each one of us – but you know it when you see it.
YOUNG PLACES
Food that’s easy to eat. Food that’s cool. In a happening place. But more important than happening – it has to be exclusive, but rather more subtly than actually saying so: simply deliberately disagreeable to anyone who isn’t just like themselves. Lately, even four walls and a roof are seen to be far too stuffy. Hanging. Chilling. Getting down. Eating. Laughing. Texting. Tweeting. Freezing. If you yourself are not a young person, you simply won’t understand – and you’re really not meant to.
ZIG-A-ZAG
I justify this little gobbet of lyric from Wannabe, the debut single from the deathless Spice Girls, thus: after all the cut and thrust of a restaurant meal (the zig-a-zig), there should steal over you that very rewarding afterglow of repletion (… ah!). Like a Bisto Kid.
Extracted from The A-Z of Eating Out by Joseph Connolly, published by Thames & Hudson on 10 February, priced £16.95.