Dear Patricia Marie,
I lost my beloved mum just before last Christmas to cancer, and I am having to face my first Mother's Day without her. We always made the day so special and loved spending time together, having fun and just being close to each other. I feel my heart has been truly broken and that I will never recover from this unbearable loss. I am trying to be brave as I have two beautiful teenagers and don't want to be crying around them. They keep asking me what I would like to do on Mother’s Day, and are wanting to make it special for me, but how on earth can I celebrate when mum isn’t around? I feel so lonely, but struggling to open up to my family and friends, as I feel they can't cope with me being miserable. I keep ignoring their calls as they don’t understand that nothing or no one will bring mum back. How dare she be taken from me, and how on earth am I going to get through the day while everyone else is celebrating?
Patricia Marie says...
I am so sorry for the loss of your mum, for the grief you are clearly suffering, and for your anxiety around this forthcoming Mother's Day. However, do remember that not everyone will be happily celebrating, and particularly for those, who like yourself, are facing their first one without mum, the day could prove to be overwhelming. The pain of losing your mum is particularly raw, therefore, I ask you to be gentle with yourself at this time.
Instead of dreading the day, perhaps you could find comfort in remembering your mum, by spraying some of her favourite perfume, or listening to significant pieces of music to relive those special memories, which can never be taken from you. Although this may be upsetting at first, it will allow you to feel her presence, and as time goes on, it could become your own ritual.
Please don't isolate yourself. Your family and friends would want to be helping and supporting you at this time, just as you would want to be there for them if they were hurting. I urge you to contact your GP who may be able to prescribe some medication to help lift you during this painful time, and could also organise some counselling for you. Cruse Bereavement Care can offer help and support right now, and this dedicated organisation could arrange for you to join a local group, where you would be able to meet others who are struggling with loss. Listening and sharing your sorrow with those who are grieving too, could ease your loneliness, and make you feel better understood.
Could you consider buying your mum a Mother's Day card, or have some of her favourite flowers close by to celebrate this day in your own unique way? She may not be here - but is still very much your mum. Don’t forget you are a mum too. Take time out on this day to remember how precious your children are, who must be very much missing their grandmother, but are also be wanting to be there for you, particularly on Mothers Day. You are hugely special to them - just as your mum was to you.
Patricia Marie, our Agony Aunt, wants to hear your problems, dilemmas, and quarrels. Just email them to patricia.marie@lady.co.uk
