Let's see other people...

Like all new relationships, things started off well enough. There were lots of encouraging texts (many ending with kisses). We called each other dear. Or darling. We had positive, forward-looking plans. Things he would be doing for me and things we would be doing together. There were paint charts and trips to the DIY store. Long discussions about whether the bathroom floor should be stone or wood. Or whether we might one day install a rose bed when the garden ceased to be a rubbish tip.

In short, we were building a future together. But then things started to go wrong.

In the beginning, it was just a few small niggles. He wasn't always around when I called. Then he stopped delivering on his promises. There were others in his life, he explained, he had other plans on the go. 'What's going on?' I wailed to anyone who would listen. 'What about our plans?' Alastair, who was battle-worn after years of being let down, simply sighed. 'It's different for builders,' he just said. 'They are a completely separate species.' And he had a point.

I am sure, dear reader, that you have a marvellous and truly reliable man (or woman) who comes round to run up shelves or fit a nice replacement stair carpet. I have even heard tales of conservatories or extensions being built at record speed in order to stick to the agreed deadlines. But there will also be those among you who have suffered, as I am suffering, from the half-finished job. As they say in California, what I really need is to 'get closure'. Or even just a working shower. It doesn't even have to have a door.

But so far, so bad. The summer doesn't help. Most general builders like to have time off, quite a lot of it. They need to develop their tans and perhaps plan a few more tattoos. They also like to work on their own houses. 'I need to get my roof extension finished. I've been putting it off to do your place,' was one of the more interesting excuses why I still am not able to wash up.

'But you already have five bedrooms and four bathrooms,' I replied. Unfortunately, logic isn't usable currency in builder world. Just because I don't have a bathroom at all doesn't mean that he can't have another one. Nor does sobbing down the phone – yes, I am ashamed to say I have tried emotional blackmail. We are now having what is euphemistically known as a trial separation. I think it also means that we are free to see other people. Or at least he is. Certainly I see no other reason why he was coming out of my neighbour's front door yesterday.

Next week: The town is full of pirates.